One Old White Guy Talks

The newest item for Trumpanatics, the MAGA Pet Rock, is now available from Mar-a-Lago enterprises for the introductory price of $99.95. Sure to escalate in value like the war in Iran, don’t wait to order one now. Each rock comes in its own cage inspired by detention center holding pens and is signed by Donald Trump himself.

The MAGA Pet Rock (MPR) is impervious to rising costs, unaffordable housing, or lawsuits. Your new pet doesn’t need to be fed, walked, or brushed, and there is no poop to clean up, ever. Because the MPR is “dumb as a rock,” you won’t get pushback about your opinions, beliefs, or moral compass. You’ll be able to go to church on Sunday and eliminate DEI jobs on Monday. Further, when immigrants start roaming the streets and invading your neighborhood, your pet can be hurled at them giving you those extra seconds to get your automatic rifle and grenades. A true life saver.

Better than a wife. More solid than friends. Cheaper than psychiatric help. 

The MAGA Pet Rock will turn your life around letting you spend time on the couch like J.D. Vance, allowing you to party like Kash Patel, and quote non-existent bible verses like Pete Hegseth. 

MAGA rock and roll ASAP. You’re only a stone’s throw away from greatness.