One Old White Guy Talks

Hey Americans, get the Midas Touch and your life will become affordable again. Designed by 1,000 monkeys coding in Ames, Iowa, you can ask the app any question about prices, and you’ll get a reply from Melania in seconds. Where can I find the cheapest gas? Melania will respond “a stazion in Vellston, Oklahoma, is zelling zee gas for $1.98/gallon.” So, hop in your car and head to the Sooner state and fill your ride up with pure joy.

How much is a Filet Mignon? Melania will answer, “Ve get our steak for vree. Patriots eat zee Hamburger Helper instead.” Why does it cost more to heat my house? “Ze cost of zee energy is vell below zero like your house temp. Vear zee down parka and huddle in front of zee fireplace.” 

Want a new home? Just ask, and Melania will tell you “Pack up zee bags and move to Vest Firginia. Zee kids vill love shooting their own dinner and skipping zee school. Vin. Vin.” Want that new car? “You need Zee exercise. Valking is better. Plan vell and you’ll be fit like RFK, Jr.” Will I be able to send my kids to college? “My husband is designing zee new Home University Program. Pay zee $100 fee and ve vill send your Tommy or Bonny zee graduation certificate. Less time. More bang.”

Make your life affordable again for only $29.95. If you’re technology hindered, we’ll send you an old transistor radio with pre-loaded content from the 1950s. Watch your car salesman’s eyes when you walk in and tell him you just heard you could pick up a new Ford for under $3,000. We can’t be responsible for any bail payments you might have to make.

Remember, affordability is all in your head not your pocketbook.