One Old White Guy Talks

“We have emergencies all over this country,” according to President Trump. “And I’m not going to let them turn this great nation into an African shithole. Action is needed, and I’m man of action like no one else on this planet. Here’s my list of emergencies I’ll be declaring in the next two weeks if I remember in two week what I’m saying today.

1. The Chicago Deep Dish Crisis. This is an abominable situation and people have been telling me to stop this crust wave! I’m sending in the national guard to close parlors all over the city. Thin crust is where it’s at, and if owners don’t change their ways, I’ll be placing tariffs on dining and home delivery. 
2. The Cleveland Pierogi Calamity. Women of Cleveland have been begging me to address this woke situation. Pierogis had traditional fillings of potatoes, onion, and sauerkraut, but Democrats are destroying pierogi purity by offering un-American versions filled with Sweet Cream Corn, Candy Bar, and Vegan Sweet Cabbage. I’ve instructed the Department of Homeland Security to stop imports of woke pierogi fillings, and ICE agents will arrest pierogi makers who distribute woke pierogis. Those lawless individuals can make their pierogies in Venezuela.  
3. New Orleans Po’boy Pandemic. My advisors have brought to my attention, which lasts intermittently for under five minutes at a time, that we can’t abide by this socialist Poor Boy sandwich. Therefore, by executive order, I am commanding that all such offerings from this point forward be called American Richwiches. We’re all for capitalism, and if you don’t have enough wealth, we’ll give you more by lowering your taxes. Problem solved. 
4. The Baltimore Crab Cake Controversy. If the mayor won’t come to the aid of Baltimore’s citizens, I will act to save the metropolis from the despair of this sexually transmitted public lice. I’ve asked Robert Kennedy, Jr. to investigate the widespread outbreak of the lumpy situation, and he’s assured me that his MAHA sources have traced the cause to sugary sodas and Covid vaccines. We’re building a wall around the inner harbor and painting it black to stop the spread of this outbreak. 
5. The Buffalo Wings Impasse. I’ve never settled for just wings. Ask Melania. “Wings only” is not in the tradition of the all-you-can-eat smorgasbord of American life. My friends in Buffalo have been asking me to give them a chicken in every pot and two business deductions on every tax form. Well, don’t you all worry any more. Secretary of Agriculture, Brooke Rollins will spearhead the “Whole Chicken” initiative. As a first step, BW3 has agreed to change its slogan to “Your Home for Wings, Legs, Breasts. Drunks. American Football.” Pete Hegseth is sending the Air Force into every BW3s nationwide to monitor the situation. 

This is just a start because I care about every American. In the future, we’ll be sending the military to combat the San Francisco Fortune Cookie Fiasco, Key West’s Key Lime Pie Propaganda, and the Cincinnati Chile Catastrophe, to name a few.

Thanks for your attention to this matter!