One Old White Guy Talks

Mar-a-Lago Enterprises announces the release of Monopoly: The Trump Version. Inspired by Presidential action and lack of coherent foreign policy, players act like a true dictator and bomb countries at will without reading any intel reports. Make simple decisions that impact the globe for decades. Take steps toward nuclear annihilation made as easy as tossing ketchup on a wall. The Trump Version is a must for all patriots and is suitable for anyone wearing American flag underwear. For $249.99, you will become a person bent on destruction, death, and denial. What could be better?

Monopoly: The Trump Version: Quick Rules

Needed: Monopoly board game, 2-8 War Hawks. 

Setup: Select an aircraft, battle tank, or navy ship token, and place it on the “Go to War” square.

Shuffle and stack the “Take Your Chances” and “Beat Your Chest” cards. Place them on the board.

Pass out security clearances, ICBMs, and $500 to players.

Basic Training: Each player goes to Parris Island and then rolls two dice and moves the required number of spaces.

If Player Lands On:

Targets (foreign): Player has option to overthrow government by purchasing requisite military hardware. Price listed on space. 

Targets (domestic): Roll dice again. If roll produces doubles, take over property and deploy national guard.

“Take Your Chances:” Draws card and completes military mission as assigned. If player does not have enough money to do so, player goes to Guantanamo.  

“Beat Your Chest:” Draws card and pays off foreign envoy. If unable to pay, player goes to Guantanamo.

Free Bombing: Player may deploy token to any unoccupied target and collect $250.
Guantanamo (on a Congressional visit): Player may waterboard prisoner.
Go to Guantanamo: Player put in Guantanamo without passing “Go to War” and collecting $200. 
Passing Go: Player collects $500 and state secrets. 

Other Rules:

Rolling Doubles: Player rolls again and acquires hand grenade.

Guantanamo: Player must roll doubles to be released, give up locations of foreign weapons stockpiles, turn in twenty illegal migrants, use “Get Out of Guantanamo Free Card,” or bribe Secretary of Defense. 

Regime Change:

If player owns and has bombed all targets of the same color, player may install herself/himself as dictator and rename country. If another player lands on new country square, that player must pay dictator $500 for every military base on property or go to Guantanamo.

Targets:

Player can purchase military bases for each property owned for price listed on square and taking loyalty oath.

Properties with no military bases can be sold to any player for listed amount or invaded by any player who roles snake eyes.

Bankrupt: When player owes more money than can be paid. Player is out of game unless he holds nuclear card at which time he can blow up the world.

Winner: Last player remaining in game.