One Old White Guy Talks

King Don: (Looking at shadowy apparition near bunker steps.) Who the hell are you? I’m getting the secret service down here ASAP.

Apparition: That would be of no good, Don. I have come especially to talk to you – man to higher being. 

King Don: Well, what kind of man are you.

Apparition: Don of simple intellect, I am the higher being. I know you’ll have trouble believing such a truth. I give my creations abundant leeway. When you posed as the pope I said nary a word. When you followers said you were the second coming of a being I see in the mirror daily, I did not speak. When you put ketchup on well-done porterhouse, I cringed because you are what you eat, but I did not criticize. 

King Don: So what. I am as bigly as any biblical figure. My people follow me blindly and defend me with bows and arrows, and lawsuits. Speaking of suits, you need a new one. That robe shit ain’t where it’s at. And those sandals. This is not the Birkenstock nation anymore. We’re macho baby.

Apparition: All people die, Don, even you.

King Don: Exactly. And I got my MAGA people in place at the pearly gates to send me to the great Mar-a-Lago in the sky. KFC, women, and golf every day. 

Apparition: So, you say, but I know better. Your afterlife will be a time of great peril and suffering. Every day will be a vegetarian meal of bean curds. All your tee times will be cancelled. You will be deported from place to place living a nomadic existence without friends. 

King Don: You are fake news driven by the Democrats. I don’t scare. I stand up until I sit down. I am loved by every American who knows I am always right. My followers will never crucify me.

Apparition: I cannot dispute your overinflated ego. I cannot discount your constant lying. I cannot diminish your lack of empathy. I can only be your final judgment. 

Joni Ernst walks into the bunker. 

Joni “Oh No” Ernst: We all die. I told them we all die. We all die. Just check out my last name. I am serious. If I can castrate a pig, I can castrate Medicaid users without reimbursing them for the cost. Hey, Donny, who are you talking to?

King Don: The being over there. He says he’s a higher being.

Joni “Oh No” Ernst: Donny, there’s no one over there. Did Elon leave you some mushrooms? Should I get old Stevie to take you upstairs for your afternoon nap? You need your sleep to reenergize your spirit. All that executive order signing is tiring. 

King Don: I could use a little quiet time because everyone says, when I wake up I change my mind. Fooled them again! I have no mind. You sure there are only two of us here?

Joni “Oh No” Ernst: Donny, yes, but don’t ask me to tango.