One Old White Guy Talks

Tariffs got you down. Will your daughter be disappointed this Christmas? Are you a bad parent?

Don’t despair. Donald Trump has signed an executive order creating the Department of the Nineteenth Century. Tasked with bringing back family values, the DotNC promotes the practices of earlier times when men were men and women didn’t vote. Laura Loomer has been appointed temporary head of the DotNC pending her Senate confirmation. 

Every American can travel back to simpler times, and with that in mind, the DotNC is offering a free digital copy of The American Girls Handy Book, originally published in 1893. Doll shortage? Don’t worry, read Chapter 15, “Corn Husk and Flower Dolls.” If that doesn’t keep your demanding daughter occupied, have her check out Chapter 36, “A Heap of Rubbish and What to Do with It” including directions to make a lantern out of a large tin can, a practical solution when you can’t afford electricity. Are you hungry, and the local grocery store has empty shelves, don’t fret. Point your daughter to Chapter 41, “Candy Making.” She’ll be supplying the whole neighborhood with popcorn balls. 

As Donald Trump noted, “I love the little people, and they love me. This new department will prepare children to be gainfully employed before they finish high school, if they finish at all.”