One Old White Guy Talks

Mike Tirico: Hi, racing fans, I’m here with President Trump to get his selections for Saturday’s Derby. Well Mr. President, what do you think?

Donald Trump: Let’s start with some facts. I could have been a world class jockey. I had a wooden pony as a child and no one in Queens could beat me. We’d race around my yard. I won every time.

Tirico: Remarkable.

Trump: Yes, it was. I gave it all up to be President. 

Tirico: You have any insight for our viewers.

Trump: I have insights and outsights and every other sights. But let’s get a few things straight. We have Japanese imports in this year’s race, and I’ve slapped a 10% tariff on them, so they’ll be carrying 138 pounds. I’m Making Horseracing Great Again. And that entry, Journalism, is fake news, and I’ve been treated unfairly by the media, even worse than Abraham Lincoln. The same goes for Publisher. People in that industry are flaming communists and I ain’t sharing my winning with the masses. Then you have Baeza, Grande, Neoequos, and Rodriguez. I’ll be sending ICE to their stables because of the tattoos on their hindlegs. Deportation is an option, so don’t put them in your exotics. Sandman reminds me of Sleepy Joe. No way he wins.

Tirico: You’ve eliminated several of the runners with the keen insight of a seasoned veteran. I’m sure you have more advice.

Trump: I could have been the best handicapper in the world, but I wanted to save America instead. I’ve been told that everyone is calling me “Derby Don.” My favorite is American Dream, something I’m creating for my friends across our great country. I’m going to box him with Render Judgement, which is what Pam Bondi is doing, and Citizen Bull, my new nickname for Hillary. I’m going to put some crypto on Sovereignty because I rule like a king. Chunk of Gold reminds me of how I’ve redecorated the Oval Office. I’d consider him in trifectas. And Coal Battle is my longshot. I’m bringing back America’s energy dominance and clean coal is a job creator. 

Tirico: Mr. President, you’ve done your homework. It’s hard to argue with a man of your prodigious IQ. Anything else?

Trump: I asked around my cabinet and they had a few picks. I rarely trust them unless they’re gushing praise on me. 

Tirico: Do you want to let bettors know what some of your cabinet members think about the Derby.

Trump: Well, in most cases, I tell them what to think but for the sake of transparency, I’ll pull back the curtain. Rubio likes Final Gambit and unless he gets a deal between Russia and Ukraine, the horse’s name might just be his legacy. Hegseth is leaning toward Flying Mohawk, a name he wanted to use for our new jet fighters, but I nixed that. Miller picked Burnham Square because he thought the horse’s name was Burn ‘em Fair and Square. Stevie might have had a little too much sun on his old noggin. Leavitt chose Tiztastic because she thought it described my first 100 days. She is so sweet. JD went with East Avenue because he says the area is rife with illegals eating cats and dogs. Tulsi couldn’t stop talking about Owen Almighty. She gets shivers when she hears the word almighty when it comes right before or after my name.  

Tirico: You must be confident about your picks.

Trump: Well Mike, if the results aren’t stolen, I’ll be rolling in the dough. If there’s a hint of results interference, Kash Patel will straighten it all out. I can’t lose.