One Old White Guy Talks

Hey parents, this is Tom “Handcuff ‘Em” Homan. I have an offer that’ll make your kids’ Easter egg hunts the talk of the neighborhood. No more vinegar and coloring. No more broken eggs. No more muss and fuss. My indestructible eggs come in packs of 12 or 24. Each egg has a tracking device and image of an illegal immigrant painted on the egg’s shell. I’ll also include a replica bulletproof vest, wristwatch GPS, and plastic taser for your child. 

Hide the eggs all over your house and yard, and watch your children infiltrate the area like ICE agents. You’ll be so proud when your kid seizes an egg and tases it while ignoring randomly generated cries of “I’m innocent,” I’m an American citizen,” “I pay my taxes,” and “I want my day in court.” The excitement will never stop.

My immigrant eggs are filled with gummi candies in the shapes of small caliber bullets, sombreros, and border walls. Your kids will spring into action before the crocuses bloom and Jesus rises from the tomb on Easter morning to spread the word of “go back to your country” while singing aloud 

Illegals are captured today, Alleluia!
Our triumphant edict day, Alleluia!
Who did once upon the land, Alleluia!
Trespassed ‘fore but now in hand, Alleluia!

Send a one-time payment of $499.95, or four installments of $125, in any denomination but pesos to: Homan Industries c/o Trump Toys, Mar-a-Lago LLC, Palm Beach, FL 00001.

We’ll send your package as fast as we deport Venezuelans to Honduras.