One Old White Guy Talks

Due to extensive public demand, Kristi Noem in cooperation with Mar-a-Lago Enterprises is releasing A Pocket Guide to Legal Terms. The work has been hailed by reviewers as a book of utmost importance in its simplicity. As one reader put it, “I learned so much that the mainstream media didn’t want me to know.”

Here’s a little taste of what is inside the book:

Ex Parte: When the person you were engaged to attends a gathering with someone else or the expulsion of a key member of congress for disagreeing with the President. 

Habeas Corpus: Grass, legumes, or other herbaceous plants that have been cut and dried to be stored for use as animal fodder. Widely seen in fields in the Midwest.

Certiorari: A famous Italian wine region where only white grapes are grown.

Quasi: A card game originally played in Singapore.

Pro Bono Publico: What men get when they read Playboy on the subway.

Mandamus: A term made famous by the Village People.

Every man wants to be a mandamus, mandamus man
To have the kind of body always in demand
Jogging in the mornings, go man go
Work outs in the health spa, muscles glow
You can best believe that he’s a mandamus man
Ready to get down with, anyone he can

De Novo: A high-class hooker seen at political victory parties.

Ad Litem: A Rasta term for keeping a spliff from going out.

 Amicus Curiae: Son of the first woman to win a Nobel Prize and only woman to win the award in two different fields.

 In Camera: What criminals avoid during bank robberies.

Per Curiam: A child who always asks questions like “why does daddy have these little balloons?” or “why does Joey have two mothers?”

In Forma Pauperis: A term used to describe homeless individuals.

In Re: Opposite of re in. 

Pros Se: Term used to describe post-game interviews by athletes. 

Sua Sponte: Term made famous by Donald Trump as in “If someone says anything bad about me I will sua sponte them immediately.”

A Pocket Guide to Legal Terms is available at all major and minor bookstores, at grocery stores in the freezer section, and at your favorite shooting range. For $17.95, you’ll be able to impress your friends and ICE agents with your knowledge of American law. Don’t leave detention without it!