One Old White Guy Talks

Hey real Americans, this is your cut-above-the-rest Elon Musk with an offer you can’t refuse unless you want to see Guantanamo. For a limited time, I’m offering patriots my clean-cut, red, white, and blue chainsaw for the unbelievable price of $599. My slice and dice machine is sponsored by the Argentinian President, Javier Milei, who knows how to eliminate fraud and waste, except from his own waist. He’s got a sensational backwoods jelly jiggle. I might have to send him to RFK, Jr. for a little consumption re-education. 

You’ll be the envy of your family and neighbors when you show up at city council meetings, school board meetings, MAGA rallies, and your kids’ sporting events. Fire up your gas-powered monster and see who says no to your DEI dismantling, book-banning contractions (or your wife’s for that matter), and woke agenda abatements. You will be the strutting, big bro smelling the fumes of victory!

And for an even more limited time, get a replica saw for the little one. My X has his own and your Y or Z can have the same. Made from recycled Cybertruck material painted neon orange, the mini MAGAsaw has a Bose sounds system that will wake up the masses for miles around, and it’s all yours for $598. Each kid’s version is signed by President Trump. The saw has birthday gift written all over it.

Remember cut and run. I do.