One Old White Guy Talks

I’m Kristi Noem, your newly minted Secretary of Homeland Security. Ladies, I know you want to be safe and sound from the hordes of illegals that are in this country and are dying, literally, to be in this country. I hear your cries and am announcing my new line of attire. It’s called the Noem U Can Gear.

Made from the best bullet proof material, my fashion line will make you the talk of the neighborhood. Whether you’re out for a casual night on the town or heading to a MAGA ball, my designers have something for you. 

Under my direction, we’ve turned the little black dress into the iblood red maxi with Kevlar inserts to give you that don’t touch me feeling. We’ve included a multi-gun leg holster to hide your pistols. The outfit is perfect for stand your ground occasions and surprise ICE raids. 

When you’re just bopping around town or doing nocturnal surveillance try my jazzy jeggings. Infused with Lexan for that totally secure feeling, you’ll be able to move like never before. You can get these in an array of colors, but not brown. I especially like the camo version for apprehending immigrants along our southern border. You never know what you might find in the woods near you. 

Check out my website nowetbacks.gov for our latest offerings. At checkout, use code “beaner” to get a 20% discount and free shipping on your first order. Don’t wait. Thes items are selling like picante sauce. Remember, Noem U Can Gear – Where Government and Grift Collide.

Disclaimer: Some products might be imported from Mexico, China, and Vietnam.