One Old White Guy Talks

Hey kids, this is your best Secretary of Defense ever, Pectoral Pete calling on you to join a cadre of fellows like yourself and become a member of Hegseth’s Apprehend & Transport Entity (H.A.T.E.). If you’re above the age of reason but below 5′ 5” inches tall, a white male, go to church each Sunday, have parent’s who watch FOX incessantly, don’t have a mind of your own, and can get into your parents’ bank account, Uncle Don wants you. 

For an introductory fee of $29.99/month, which can automatically be withdrawn in perpetuity by sending us your parents social security numbers and bank routing number, you’ll get access to your neighbors’ personal data via a members-only app, Peep Pok. The app designed by a 16-year-old protegee of Exchequer Elon Musk, links you directly to ItWasOnceMyGov.com. Now, you too can help cleanse America of unwanted aliens from outer space or Latin American countries. Reporting them is a simple as uno, dos, tres. 

But there’s more. Sign up in the next 24 hours and we’ll send you an exclusive t-shirt, as well as a self-tattooing kit. Available in black or white with white or black lettering, the shirt has the macho name of your choosing on the front and our slogan, “If it ain’t white. It ain’t right” on the back. Wear the shirt proudly to school, Friday night football games, and induction ceremonies of your local KKK chapter. During summer months or when you get the urge to show off your chiseled bod, your Jerusalem Cross will let the world know you’re on a crusade to put “Least” back in the Middle East. The giggly girls will love you and the bashful boys will die of envy or some other cause.

Don’t be a nerd. Shout and be heard. Beat the elite. Put immigrants on the hot seat. Sign up now.