One Old White Guy Talks

In a recent interview between nines at the Mar-a-Lago golf club while downing a cheeseburger and fries, President Trump laid out his plan for further tariffs. “Look, I’m the man and the man is going to do what men do when they can still do it. Antarctica is next, I’m slapping a 100% tariff on Antarctic ice cubes. Further, I’m going after Nauru and its phosphate. I mean phosphates are so thirties. Then, Lichtenstein and its dental floss. Of course, if these areas become American states, I’ll call the tariffs off.” 

Asked about the impact on American consumers, Trump noted, “Pain comes before gain. Everyone knows that. If your teeth fall out, America’s golden age will put more than enough money in your bank account to get brand new dentures. We’ll also provide the “smile” tax break. While you smile, my new quick dentist venture, designed and implemented by Elon, will send you a new set of choppers at an introductory price of $599.00, fully deductible from your gross income. No more gruel eating. I am a man of the people.” 

Trump went on. “And don’t forget my call for space reform. Tariffs are definitely going on Uranus. I mean with a name like that what could the planet give us – venereal disease, that’s all. And Venus, just a damn women’s razor. Mars, even though Elon wants to go there, is a rip-off of the Milky Way. I can’t have that.  If those orbs complain, I’ll send in the Space Force with ray guns blasting. You don’t mess with the Trump. If you want concessions head under the stands during the Super Bowl. Speaking of which,  the teams have two DEI hires as quarterbacks. Whatever happened to real leaders like Johnny Unitas, Joe Montana, and Brett Favre? Now we have two guys who get protected by DEI officials. Well, I’d like to help more, but I have to go shoot five under on the back nine.”