One Old White Guy Talks

Here at NEWSMIN, we got a copy of the unedited Trump rationale for war against Iran.

A short time ago, after I had a nice snooze, the United States military began major combat operations in Iran. I don’t like minor actions because, even though I’m completely exonerated, people still talk about my relationships with young girls. 

Our objective, one Bibi told me to go for, is to defend the American people, especially those who couldn’t point out Iran on a map, by making up threats from the Iranian regime, a vicious group of very hard, and I know how to get hard, terrible people. Ok, Pete you can stop with the push-ups already.

For 47 years, and I just happen to be POTUS 47, the Iranian regime has chanted “Death to America” and waged an unending campaign of bloodshed and mass murder targeting the United States, our troops and the innocent people in many, many countries, well some countries, except for that little incident called 9/11 when terrorist from Saudi Arabia took down the Twin Towers. 

Iran is the world’s No. 1 state sponsor of terror, and I am the No. 1 sponsor of cryptocurrency allowing me to line my pockets with more cash than Kash Patel has found in the fraud-ridden state of Minnesota, a place I plan to invade next unless Greenland or Canada get in the way.  That is why, in Operation Midnight M.C. Hammer last June, we obliterated the regime’s nuclear program at Fordow, Natanz and Isfahan and I said you can’t touch this no more. But somehow, they did touch this, and as if by miracle, like weeds, the Iranians sprouted up facilities to develop weapons. I said “Hey Supreme Leader, let’s make a deal. Which door do you want?” He chose Door Number 4, laughing at me and no one laughs at me. Boom, I went all bombs out on them. Pete, I told you not to let RFK, Jr. in here. He’s a walking germ mobile. 

Finally, to the great, proud people of Iran, I say goodnight tonight because bombs will be dropping everywhere. As I age, big blasts are so exciting. If a few of you die, think of it as a down payment on regime change. Look what I did in Venezuela. So, let’s see how you respond in the face of a constant missile barrage and violence in the streets. America will do the bombing, but you must do the overthrowing. I’ll do the watching and promising, but don’t expect me to deploy troops to help you out. No Pete, I’m not getting in the sauna with you. May God bless you all and may Allah castrate your goats. No Pete, you can’t pet Seal Team Nine members!