Mike Johnson Gives Us His Advice

Hey Americans, Mike Johnson here taking a break from my Speakership for a few minutes to give you my blessed advice. I’m an expert on almost everything including the treatment of women. Just ask my wife before I tell her to hush up. And if I don’t know, I’ll pretend I know nothing or quote the Bible. Anyway. Let’s get started.

Joe from Balltown, Iowa asks “How do I get a wife?”

Glad you asked, Joe. I’d say scarcity and desperation play a big part in the whole process. You probably aren’t rich so a look around your extended family might reveal a distant cousin who is as desperate as you are. Bingo. And always remember the words of that great pastor in the sky who spoke in the island tongue through Jimmy Soul – “If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife.” In your case, very prophetic.

Jimmy from Gilbert, Arkansas asks “My wife wants to get a job. Is that ok?”

Whoa, Jimmy. You need to be strong in this instance even though you’ve been fired from your last six jobs and drink heavily. The bible tells us wives needs to “be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands.”  My wife is all of that and more. If your wife gets a job, she’ll become indoctrinated into the woke agenda and see you for the disaster you are. Her job is to make you happy. Period, the punction mark not hers.

Joad from Hillsview, South Dakota asks “How many children should we have?” 

Joad, what a great question. Your profession is key in answering this question. I have four children but I’m a politician and am away from the house for extended periods of time. Coming from South Dakota, and a farmer to boot, your wife should be pregnant on a regular basis. God said to multiply and prosper. Get those little Joads farming as early as possible and you will prosper. 

Mary from Whitefish, Montana asks “Is it OK to go out in public without my husband?” 

Well Mary, asking me this question is improper. Your husband sets all the rules of the house, and you must obey him. There might be an exception or two. If your husband is ill and you attended to him hand and foot and it’s Sunday morning, God would want you to go to church, pray, and immediately return to your husband’s side. Being in public without your husband can lead to improper thoughts and sinful actions. Don’t relent to temptation. Stay home. 

Jacob from Impact, Texas asks “How can I tell I’ve encountered Satan” 

Jacob, what an important question. The devil is around more than you think. You need my “Temptation App” available from Mike Johnson’s Grace and Happiness Store for $49.95. Load the app on your phone and take a picture of a suspected evil doer. Bam. The app will tell you how devil-like the person is from 1(A True Christian) to 10 (A Satanic Basement Dweller). You’ll be able to spread the word to family and friends and save lives almost like God himself.

Well, it’s time for me to get back to blocking legislation, badmouthing colleagues, and blaming Democrats for all that is bad in this country. I hope my advice will show you the way to salvation. Vote with your Bible and not your pocketbook. See you later.