One Old White Guy Talks

Vought talks to Trump. 

Russell “The Impaler” Vought: Oh wonderous King Don, true winner of the Nobel Peace prize, and greatest president in the history of this and any country, I bow before your presence and come to award you the Golden Axe dedicated to shedding waste, fraud, and all programs with a taint of the Democrat scent, the DEI odor, or whatever you deem is in need of air freshener.

Don “The Con” Trump:  True. I am the one and only; the alpha and omega; the first and last golf shot; the green and checkered flag. I will make the Nobel prize committee pay by slapping 100% tariffs on the import of trophies from any country and double that for any country that has a Nobel prize winner, the USA included.

Steven “Thriller” Miller:   And remember great one, at your direction and because of your vision, I have instructed JD Vance to convene a council of the most-learned men of this country, and perhaps a woman or two with Botox lips, to announce the winners of the All-American Trump prize. You of course will win the inaugural award for Peacemaker of the World, the late Charlie Kirk will win the prize for the Orator of Truth, and Tom Homan will be awarded the trophy for the Best Inquisitor in a supporting role. 

Don “The Con” Trump:  Stevie, tell me more. I am all jiggly.

Steven “Thriller” Miller: The Vance group is still deciding on the awards for the Conspirator with the Most Followers, the Gregarious Evangelical Influencer, the Least Scientist of the Year, the Best Grifter without a Cause, and perhaps a few more. 

Russell “The Impaler” Vought: And because of the cuts I am making at lightning speed, each recipient will get $150,000 worth of our new meme coin – Dollars for Don. You can’t stop winning. The world knows it and shudders when you speak!

Don “The Con” Trump:  I could not ask for more, but I will. I have stopped so many wars. People don’t realize I stopped the Boar War, WWI, WWII, and the Korean War. Look it up. I would have stopped the Vietnam War, but I was taking a break to heal my bone spurs. Now, I am going to stop all domestic wars—the Portland War, the Chicago Conflict, the Los Angeles Hostilities, and the DC Struggle. They call me the King of Peace. Pete is sending in the troops to spread tranquility.  

Steven “Thriller” Miller: Anyone who gets in your way will be run over by your gigantic ego and the new Smal Spaces Force that I’ve instructed Hegseth to muster and deploy. They will be trained to go from house to house and check closets, pantries, attics, and crawl spaces. You conceal. We reveal. 

Don “The Con” Trump:  I’d like to hear more but need to run. I have a FOX appearance to talk about the peace I’ve brought to the Middle East. Real Estate is my business and there’s a lot of rebuilding to do. Junior and Eric are on the job. When’s there’s profits to be had, our cut comes first. The Gaza Country Club course will be the place for Palestinians to be. I’ve talked to Bibi about sponsoring the Middle East Ryder Cup brought to the world by Mar-a-Lago Enterprises. Just say fore and there’s no more war.