One Old White Guy Talks

Tom Homan and Kash Patel visit the Mar-a-Lago bunker. 

Tom “Sledgehammer” Homan: Oh, great Don of epic size and prodigious plans. Your best laid, not in the Epstein sense, actions are becoming a reality like never before. We are rounding up round people, threading the needle of needle necks, blotting out the sons of brown people. Our camps our filling up like a convoy of sixteen wheelers at diesel stations across the nation. We are making white great again, oh ruler of unbound freedom and untethered initiatives. I am proud to be your servant and enforcer.

Don “The Con” Trump:  Tommy boy, you are a relentless warrior identifying the smallest inequity as a crime against humanity. My Supreme Court, oh I have the pictures, has deigned it righteous to brown bag morsels who can’t speak English, or show up at Home Depot, or wear straw hats, or drink Jarritos. If my justices, I have the recordings too, were around in the 1860s, slavery would never have ended and American would be even greater than I plan to make it. White, bright, and discrimination outright!

Tom “Sledgehammer” Homan: Donny, I can hardly wait and might pee my pants, but when are we unleashing holy hell on the Windy City turning that toddling town into a sea of ICE interdiction?  We’ll take deep dish dives into Latino communities and make toppings out of every immigrant. Legality is the tool of the weak. Give me a gun, a bulletproof vest, and a mask and I’ll personally lead the troops into little Mexicos, small Guatemalas, and minuscule Panamas and take prisoners like never seen before. Be damned landscaping, building construction, bodegas, in-home nursing, and meat packing. Call me the Midwest Marauder, the Great Lakes Genghis Kahn, the BOGOnatar—Bind up one, get the second one for free. 

Steven “Thriller” Miller:  Tom, I knew I could count on you. Rub my bald head.  It’ll bring you good luck. My shining skull will blind judges until they don, no pun intended, MAGA glasses and bend to the one and only true savior of America, King Don. I can hardly wait to see ICE agents on the ELs, Humvees on the Miracle Mile, US Destroyers patrolling Lake Michigan. It’s the wet dream of racists, but we’re not racists, we’re real patriots saving the country from liberal pedophiles. 

Don “The Con” Trump:  Stevie, well said. 

Trash Kash Patel (enters bunker): Sorry. Sorry. I had to put my eyes in. Do you like them? I went with Poppin’ Lavender today. I must appear and disappear before Congress later this morning. I’ll promise everything and deliver nothing. Dear most amazing maker of laws and enforcer of whims, I will give you my FBI’s support when you round up and deport non-white White Sox fans. We have dispensed free tickets to all immigrant neighborhoods promising an all-you-can-eat taco bar and work permits. The fools will come in droves, and we’ll ICE them up and store them in sealed containers for processing, dissection, and deportation. 

Tom “Sledgehammer” Homan: Kashy, we are macho, macho men! We will lay waste to those who waste America’s time and money by doing jobs no true patriot would be caught dead doing. I know I can count on your undivided support and stop, frisk, and arrest policies. We don’t do process anymore!

Trash Kash Patel: And on top of that, I’ve planted informants in the immigrant scourge population who will expose what the American people want to know. The Epstein files were made up by Mexican elites who wanted to bring down our hero, Don. We have it all in Spanish and will translate it as soon as we can make it up. Take that despicable Democrats.

Don “The Con” Trump:  Kash, you are almost as top notch as a third grader. I can hardly wait to see my detractors’ faces when we expose the deep state, but we’re going play those Memphis Blues first. Elvis came to me in a dream and told me people have stopped visiting Graceland because marauding gangs of Latinos won’t let citizens walk the street unless they are streetwalkers. We’re going to barricade Beale Street and surround the Civil Rights Museum and take every woke exhibit and throw them into the Mississippi River. Send in the Guard. Send in the Marines. We’ll have FedEx ship drones via overnight express. We’re going to have a bar-b-que party with dry rub for wetbacks! Let’s do this!

Tom “Sledgehammer” Homan (whispering to Patel): Kashy, Memphis? Why Memphis? 

Trash Kash Patel (whispering to Homan): The Don works in mysterious ways, and ribs are better than deep dish any day!