One Old White Guy Talks

Mar-a-Lago Enterprises in cooperation with Texans Against Democracy announce a special Labor Day Event—Pandemonium on Pennsylvania Avenue. To get your ticket, immediately write to President “Big Dong Juan” Trump, in care of the White House, and let him know his private parts are truly world class and can’t be measured with a yardstick alone. If you are unable to write, the event will be available on pay-per-view for $99.99.

The festivities begin at 7am on September 1, 2025 with a prayer, via special hook-up direct from heaven, by the late James Dobson followed by a public tar and feathering of several Democrat Senators whose names are being kept secret until early morning raids the day of the extravaganza.

Take your seat and you’ll be thrilled to watch the Don Garlit’s Memorial Drag Race Extravaganza. Entries will rocket down Pennsylvania Avenue at speeds in excess of 300 mph. The funny car division will be themed “Revoke Woke.” Only white cars, white drivers, and white knuckles will be allowed. Pedestrians are advised not to cross the street unless they have their financial houses in order. 

Up next will be the Pam Bondi 440-yard dash. Watch as Ice and FBI agents chase mothers and their children through Lafayette Square. Hear the cries of youngsters when agents tackle their mother and handcuff her. The agent with the most arrests gets and all-expense paid trip to Trump’s Scotland golf course. 

Always a crowd pleaser, Kristin Noem will be the Mistress of Ceremonies for the Scale the Wall Climbing Challenge. Ten lucky immigrants will compete for their US citizenship by trying to scale a section of the black border wall placed on the White House lawn. Each contestant will be given 60 seconds, a section of rope, and leather gloves to try their luck. If a contestant fails, it’s off to Venezuela, for life. 

For the man in every person, except trans sorts, Robert Kennedy, Jr. will challenge 20 lucky audience members to a chin up contest. If a contestant pulls up his pants faster than RFK can do 20 chin ups, that lucky person will win a dinner with the Secretary, which will include raw whale, unpasteurized camel’s milk, bear kabob, and Rock Creek cocktails.  Yum yum.

Finally, President Trump will make a special appearance to kick of the Long Drive Contest. Select Ukrainian citizens will be placed on five-foot tees and sent down Pennsylvania Avenue with a 10-story driver controlled by Vlad Putin. The event is sure to set records for distance, broken bones, and, in some cases, death. Trump will give Vlad two weeks to stop the carnage. Then, two weeks more. Then, two weeks more. Then…

Don’t miss your opportunity to be part of authoritarian history. Get those letters out today. Do it for the children.