One Old White Guy Talks

Steven “Thriller” Miller: Oh Lord of the best numbers one can buy and the best golf scores for a man of your stature and swing, I have brought you candidates for Statistician of the Holy Grail of Employment Numbers to replace the bearer of bad news who has shaken the unbelievable rocket ship-like ascendency of America during which time you’ve brought in billions of dollars and zillions of jobs like no one has ever seen and might not see again.

King Don: So true Steve. The fake news denied that I am the king of the hill, top of the heap, top of the list, and I’ve made a mess there and can make a mess anywhere. You know they wrote “New York, New York” about me. MSNBDeceive won’t tell you that but everyone knows it. Ok let’s hurry this up. I have tariffs to impose on Canadian maple syrup and hockey players. 

Steven “Thriller” Miller: Ok, behind door number one is candidate number one. Let me give you a little background info. Coming all the way from a South Dakota town of under 100 inhabitants with a specialization in cooking the books and with a promise to make numbers squeal like a pig to fit any situation and asking for a pardon from 15 years for wire fraud and absconding his mother’s life saving, I introduce a true MAGA man, Jay Walker.

Jay Walker: Oh, I am humbled to be in your presence Master of Magafication. Tell me a number and I will repeat it ad nauseum in front of all cameras and networks. I will “Face the Nation” and put on a game face and declare job creation to be in the hundreds of thousands. 

King Don: What else do you bring to me, your master and savior?

Jay Walker: I am as loyal as any dog and will never let you down, oh most honorable human being on the planet.

King Don: Quite nice, but my itch needs scratching. We’ll call you. Don’t call us. Next.

Steven “Thriller” Miller: Behind door number two is candidate number two. Hailing from parts unknown with a 36-24-36 resume, is the one and only Mary Sue Handy. Miss Mary has gone down to parts of the country most people would avoid enhancing the careers of MAGA congressmen, and if called on, MAGA congresswomen. She dropped out of school before the age of reason because she found out logic was not her strong suit especially when she wore her birthday suit. She has continually used her fingers and toes to count to twenty and can repeat, word-for-word, any instructions she receives with flair and aplomb, a word she can’t define.

Mary Sue Handy: Oh, gee whiz. You must be The Don I’ve heard so much about you especially from the mouths of your supporters when I handle them with care. If you hire me, people won’t ask about numbers except my measurements. Job creation will be off the charts. The economy will be skyrocketing. Put me in front of charts, and your presidency will be off them. 

King Don: My, my. You do have the qualifications for the job and other jobs. I am intrigued by your experience and will considering adding you to my harem of adoring women which includes Karoline, Pam, Tulsi, and Jeannine. I have one more candidate to interview, but you bring more to the table and bed than I could require. Stick around for a while. Next.

Steven “Thriller” Miller: Behind door number three is candidate number three. This hopeful comes with the backing of some of the best talent identifiers in the world—Vlad “The Bad” Putin, Kim “Big Wong” Un, and Vicious Victor Orban. Built in a secret AI lab in Siberia and programmed to obey at all costs with an eternal life expectancy and the ability to clandestinely take out reporters and nay-sayers, I bring you Centaur X1A. Mr. X1A is the answer to all things numbers, but more so, he has the ability to recall any detail and make one up on the spot to destroy your critics. Wait until he tells Caitlan about the time she showed her private parts to Little Willy Thomas in the barn on her farm. Can you say red-faced? 

Centaur X1A: You are my leader, King Don. You are the most magnificent of the magnificent. The ruler of the world and universe. I am your numbers guy. I can twist, turn, modify, rework, and dazzle with the results. But even more, oh greatest golfer of all time, I have been programmed to alter the ball flight of any of your shots to achieve the optimal results. Tell me the score you wish to shoot, and you shall have it. Drives will split the fairway. Irons will find the pin. Putts will fall like your opponents in elections.  Also, Vlad wanted me to remind you of the pee-pee tapes. 

King Don: You’re hired.