One Old White Guy Talks

The Department of Homeland security in cooperation with Mar-a-Lago Enterprises is proud to announce the winners of the 2026 Worst Detention Camp contest sponsored by the Big Beautiful Bill. Due to the positive publicity Alligator Alcatraz received, and the likelihood the facility will be destroyed by a major hurricane, Kristi Noem and her board of Unconcerned Citizens have chosen ten locations across the USA to be awarded funding for the erection (no not that one, Don) of world-class detention centers. 

• St. Matthew Island, AK will now be called Remote Rikers. Based on the blueprint from the notorious Devil’s Island, escape won’t be an option due to the Bering Sea’s frigid, or as we like to call it ICEy, water temperatures. 
• Hawks Rest, WY will be renamed Wolf Wakula. Located in a remote part of Wyoming, the area is home to grizzly bears, wolves and other predators. If immigrants try to run, they’ll become dinner treats for the area’s animals.
• Hanford Nuclear Site, WA will be transformed into the Radiation Reformatory. The old nuclear site, teeming with radioactive and chemical waste, will be recommissioned to house the worst of the worst, or the almost worst of the worst, or the mistaken worst of the worst. Hanford produced plutonium for the bombs dropped on Japan in World War II. Now, the Geiger counters will go crazy when busloads of undocumented aliens arrive. And who knows, they might be turned into real aliens.
• Iron Mountain Mine, CA will become Acid Attica. Located in Shasta County, undocumented individual won’t need to add any minerals to their diets because the site is rich in copper, zinc, gold, and iron sulfide. Robert Kennedy, Jr. rates the diet detainees will get as A plus.
• Centralia, PA will become Sinkhole San Quentin. This unique site will keep prisoners guessing, “Will I fall into a sinkhole or be overcome by carbon monoxide fumes from the underground fires?” Like Russian Roulette, chance will play a large part in survival. 
• Pitcher, OK will take on the moniker Pestilence Sing Sing. Inmates will be able to chat about the toxic chat piles that have led to lead contamination in the soil and groundwater and cave-ins of mine shafts and tunnels. Detainees will face the possibility of here today and gone tomorrow under conditions unsuitable for visits by Kristi Noem in her latest ICE fashion gear.
• East Palestine, OH will become known as the Norfolk Southern Penitentiary.  Individuals sent here, by rail, of course, won’t be able to breathe easy because of the extremely high levels of hydrogen chloride and phosgene in the air. The release of the chemicals won’t coincide with the release of any detainees. This area is the last stop on their routes. 
• Gilman, CO will be designated as Grim Onion Prison. Situated on a scenic cliff with stunning views, this area will become a go-to destination for individuals rounded up by ICE agents. With an aura of “almost heaven,” detainees will want to and will stay forever. However, they’ll be warned not to drink the water because it contains high levels of arsenic, cadmium, copper, lead and zinc. Still, location is everything. 
• New Idria, CA will take on the name Homan Penitentiary in honor of the American hero, Tom Homan.  Prisoners won’t have to worry about the side effects of eating too much fish because the area has elevated levels of mercury and other heavy metals. In keeping with that atmosphere, Metallica, Black Sabbath and Megadeath will be piped through the detention center’s audio system around the clock. 
• Cheshire, OH will be renamed Quick Sandy Prison. The area boasts Midwest living at its best in a laid-back atmosphere, but the atmosphere also contains  toxic sulfurous gas clouds and acid rain. As an act of generosity, all inmates will be provided umbrellas and face masks

If your area wants to be considered for the 2027 Worst Detention Camp awards, get your entry form in now. Those who hesitate won’t make the cut, and we’re all about making cuts!