One Old White Guy Talks

Steven “Thriller” Miller: Don, scaler of the highest peaks and diver of the deepest depths, Los Angeles is our mean dream and I’m the cruelest compadre around. I told those ICE boys to round up everyone that looks tanned, short, and guilty even if our muscled, hulks were forced to rip poor innocent children from the arms of howling grandparents. I could have been a contender, but I am the champion of vicious action. Sieg baby. Sieg baby. Sieg.

King Don: And I got to use the Marines. I told Barron to join up, but Melanie thought he was too soft. What a loser. I had a legitimate reason to opt out – bone spurs. And I got my parade. What a spectacle. Tanks. Tanks. Tanks. It was bigger than any World Series parade. Millions more people saw it than were at the Million Men March. 

Steven “Thriller” Miller: Who cares about No Kings. That movement is made up of queens, anyway. What a bunch of beaners. Then, you of destiny where destiny is undistinguishable from deity, brought the hammer down like a god of thunder and sent forth the righteous warriors to round up every invader of this great country whether laborer, gardener, or sous chef. It’s time for true Americans to cut their own grass and carrots. Children need to work and stop reading.

Pete Hegseth rushes in.

“Slick” Pete Hegseth: Master Don, I come to you for the advice only a man with your mind can give. No one else would be able to decipher the code coming from the maniacal mullahs of Iran. Benny has been bombing. Benny has been boasting. Benny has been backstabbing. Oh wonderous, whimsical, willful Don, should we get in on the action.

King Don: I gave Israel weapons. They used them in the dark of the night. I gave Israel a GAZA plan. The laughed at me. I wanted to give Israel my son. They said he wasn’t their type. It’s time for negligible Netanyahu to give me credit or face the wrath of endless social posts about his sexual proclivities. I have the videos. This is war.

“Slick” Pete Hegseth: Don of Great Wong, oh pretty please let me use the muscle of American weapons to annihilate the Iranagency before the Benny Boy can march into Tehran like a world hero. You alone deserve the accolades of the globe for whatever happens only if the happenings are good.

Steven “Thriller” Miller: Then Don, oh most vibrant of all throbbing things, we can ship illegals to the Iranian countryside by the millions killing two birds with stones from your sons’ slingshots. It is so biblical that the religions of the world will turn to you and let you sit on the global throne waiting breathlessly for your edicts.

“Slick” Pete Hegseth: And I can slick my hair back even more and go in front of the cameras and tell the true tale of how Benny was under your spell from the beginning and acted as you deigned. 

King Don: And I can drink my Diet Cokes and have Karoline inform the world of my heroic acts that I alone have the capacity to perform. Just ask Melania. She too was lost in the desert until I anointed her as the one. But Stevie, we must do something about Barron. 

Steven “Thriller” Miller: Oh, tallest of the tall Redwoods. At your direction, he could use a trip to Guantanamo as an advisor. After a few six packs, he’ll see America like you do!