One Old White Guy Talks

Brooke Rollins, Linda McMahon, and Kelly Loeffler visit the Mar-a-Lago bunker.

“Babbling” Brooke Rollins: Oh, best of the best fruit the world has ever seen since the Garden of Eden apple, I come to you humbly to discuss your great idea that no one has ever thought of, but you conceived while bedding a most outstanding maiden in your day’s past. 

Linda “Body Slam” McMahon:  I too come almost blinded by the sheen of your radiance and orange blossom complexion to save America from the elite masters of higher education who failed your son Barron while importing millions if not billions of foreigners to study the ways of the greatest country on earth and rape and pillage our ideas. We will take the crimson out of Harvard, the blue out of Yale, and the brown out of Brown. 

Kelly “Loofah” Loeffler: Dear knower of what is not known until you deem it to be known, I can barely utter anything in your presence and stammer like a sheepish female, the kind you admire and never listen to, against the backdrop of your miraculous luminosity not even surpassed by the one who fed the crowds with bread and fishes before getting them drunk on wine and saving them like you have saved the country you found decrepit and wanting.

King Don: I will give you two minutes of my time, Trump Standard Time, before I must go out and answer questions from the fake media. Bring me a coke!

Linda “Body Slam” McMahon:  We have come to get your blessing for the most glorious execution of your most splendid idea to divert Harvard’s millions to what we call “The Donald Trump Trade-Up-in-Life School System.” We will open a campus is every state except Hawaii, where tanning and surfing are the main occupations and its importance is always on an eight hour delay. 

Kelly “Loofah” Loeffler: We will bring America back to its glory years and train the younger generation starting in the third grade to develop skills like no one has ever seen before and might not wish to see again. Under your reign, jobs once prominent will be prominent again. Your school will offer courses in fuel station skills, including pumping gas, river and canal ice harvesting techniques, and whitewashing readiness, the latter not to be confused with your recent most sensible decision to unpost your speech transcripts for the sake of transparency.

“Babbling” Brooke Rollins: Agriculture will thrive again like no other time in history with the introduction of trade school classes in blending turpentine and sugar to cure worms, especially brain worms, making onion solution to remedy the common cold, and processing pig dung to combat measles and smallpox. We’re moving ahead by going back to an era when a pharmacy was a mother’s kitchen and not Eli Lilly’s labs.  

King Don: This all sounds astounding and exactly what I was thinking all along. I deem it to be so and will make sure it is added to my One, Big, Beautiful Bill. 

Kelly “Loofah” Loeffler: Thank you oh you who are more colorful than a New England fall. As your servants we will make it so and give all credit to you as it is stated in the Bible of Trump.

Steven “Thriller” Miller:  Ladies be off. I have news for the great one. (The ladies leave.)

Oh, most honorable and dedicated ruler of the American people, Randy “Dandy” Paul is making noise and disrespecting your vision. And the “Joshing” Hawley and a few other Senators are jabbering about deficits. 

King Don: Bring them to me. I will test their muscle and inquire about their families and loved ones. The Bondi girl will look into their past and discover things they never knew about because we have fabricated them for the good of my reign and wallet. See to it.