One Old White Guy Talks

The Don arrives in his bunker with JD Vance, Howard Luttnick, Stephen Miller, Tom Homan, and Jeanine Pirro.

The Don: I’ll never forgive him. That Leo dude ruined my super-duper, bigly of all bigly deals with the UK by becoming pope on my special day. This is holy war. 

“Tipsy” Jeanine Pirro: I’ll take care of him for you oh most superlative of superlative rulers. I’ll file charges against Pope Leo for stealing the coverage you and you alone deserve. Then, I’ll go after the liberal news agencies for their unholy and blasphemous stories. The only true man of God is you, our Mar-a-Lago king.

JD “Wannabee” Vance: Catholicism is what I say it is. The good book doesn’t mention the pope. Dear master Don, you must sign an executive order with the sign of the cross and declare yourself the pope of all Americans who have citizenship papers and proper IDs. Great Elon will outfit a cybertruck as your popemobile, and you can travel the country as the true pontiff. We’ll have some dead people rise for the occasion.

Howard “Dipstick” Luttnick: You greater than any greater one, I have prepared tariffs of 1000% against the Holy See. We’ll see the pope run. He’ll be calling and begging you for a better deal. His minions will bow to you. The Eucharist will be unaffordable. The vestments scarce. The chalices stuck on containers in ports. Wine will no longer be turned into blood. 

The Don: I am stimulated in the biblical sense. Is there more? 

Tom “They Must Go” Homan: Oh, one who is always number one, ICE will round up priests as enemies of the state and excommunicate them to the Sistine Chapel. We’ll call it operation “sacrificial lamb.” Take that Leo. Take them all Leo. No baptisms. No confessions. No last rites.

Stephen “Thriller” Miller: Our people are waiting to don the garments in the garment district and the entire country, King Don. The Betsy Ross club has been sewing your insignia on vestments for the new generation of catholic priests unbound by the grip of Vatican edicts. These blessed men will have allegiance only to you. They will be your crusaders against woke religiosity. They will file out of basements and abandon their gaming and sell their possessions to us at steep discounts. We will ordain them and provide them with the good book – The Art of the Deal.

The Don: Golf will be a most holy sacrament. I will make beatitudes the bad-a-tudes. We will not turn the other cheek. 

“Tipsy” Jeanine Pirro: Let us all bow our heads. Oh Lord Don, we pray for you and your teachings. We await the day when all men accept you as their true and rightful savior or pay billions in tariffs. In the name of the Don, his son, Junior, and the MAGA spirit, amen.

The Don: For mine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever or until I get a better offer.