One Old White Guy Talks

Trump said: My fellow Americans, this is Liberation Day – waiting for a long time. April 2, 2025 will forever be remembered as the day American industry was reborn, the day America’s destiny was reclaimed, and the day that we began to make America wealthy again. Going to make it wealthy, good and wealthy.

Trump meant: My fellow billionaires, this is Libation Day, raise the champagne glasses. I won’t remember this day when my fellow Americans tell me they must fork over more for all kinds of goods. I plan on hiding at Mar-a-Lago and golfing as much as possible.

Trump said: For decades, our country has been looted, pillaged, and plundered by nations near and far, both friend and foe alike. American steelworkers, auto workers, farmers, and skilled craftsmen – we have a lot of them here with us today – they really suffered gravely. They watched in anguish as foreign leaders have stolen our jobs, foreign cheaters have ransacked our factories, and foreign scavengers have torn apart our once beautiful American dream.

Trump Meant: My father and I were very skilled at looting, pillaging and plundering. I own “Caligula” and pop it in the DVD to give me inspiration. One of my favorite albums is Randy Newman’s “Land of Dreams,” especially the tune, “I Want You to Hurt Like I Do.” So, let the hurting begin for the damn foreigners who hate me, but not Putin and Kim. I’m bringing the hammer down on all countries. So what if the economy is collateral damage. My Saudi friends have me covered.”

Trump said: But now it’s our turn to prosper, and in so doing, use trillions and trillions of dollars to reduce our taxes and pay down our national debt, and it’ll all happen very quickly. With today’s action, we are finally going to be able to make America great again, greater than ever before. Jobs and factories will come roaring back into our country, and you see it happening already. We will supercharge our domestic industrial base. We will pry open foreign markets and break down foreign trade barriers.

Trump meant: But now it’s my turn to prosper, and in so doing, use trillions and trillions of dollars to support my businesses and pay down my debt, and my fleecing of America will happen very quickly. With today’s action, we are finally going to be able to make me rich again, richer than ever before. Jobs and factories will come roaring back into our country after I get my Presidential 20% cut, and you see it happening already if you look closely under a high-powered microscope. We will supercharge, and hopefully not electrocute, our domestic industrial base. We will pry open foreign markets like difficult women’s bras and break down foreign trade barriers like Vegas bachelors looking for sex.”

Trump said: It’s all detailed in a very big report by the US Trade Representative on foreign trade barriers. And I’ll just hold it up for you. It’s available, and you don’t have to pay too much. As I understand it, you’ll pay nothing. It’s a lot of work for something, actually, because it’s a special book. It’s very frankly, it’s very upsetting when you read it, when you see what people have been doing to us for thirty years.

Trump meant: It’s all detailed in a very big report by the US Trade Representative on foreign trade barriers that my advisers read to me before bedtime. And I’ll just hold it up for you. It’s available, and you don’t have to pay too much, well you might have to suffer a bit, maybe a lot. As I understand it, you’ll pay nothing, an amount that your savings will reflect soon, unless you want an autographed version that will cost you a mere $100. Just log into donthecon.com and order yours now. It’s a lot of work for something because it’s a special book, one with words and charts and graphs. It’s very frankly, it’s very upsetting when you read it, which is why I didn’t read it because it’ll show I’ve been fleecing America for fifty years.

Trump said: The auto workers were fantastic. The teamsters were fantastic. Everyone was pretty good, I will tell you. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. You’re going to be very happy very soon. And you probably see what’s happening with all of the – not only car companies, but car companies in particular. See it with all of the ones they’re moving. They’re announcing day in, out. You’re seeing it. Nobody’s ever seen anything like that.

Trump said: The auto workers were fantastic, but soon they’ll be broke. The teamsters were fantastic, but soon they’ll be broke. Everyone was pretty good, I will tell you, but I was and always will be the best. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Now get on bended knee. You’re going to be very happy being very poor very soon. And you probably won’t see what’s happening with all of the – not only car companies, but car companies in particular. I like to use the old-fashioned term “car.” People don’t say it much anymore. You won’t see it with all of the loved ones I’ll be firing, and soon you’ll be moving out of your three-bedroom house to a small apartment They’re announcing day in and out that you’re unemployed. You’re seeing it. Nobody’s ever seen anything like that since drive-ins movies. They’re coming back too.

Trump said: Then in 1913, for reasons unknown to mankind, they established the income tax so that citizens rather than foreign countries would start paying the money necessary to run our government. Then in 1929, it all came to a very abrupt end with the Great Depression, and it would have never happened if they had stayed with the tariff policy. It would have been a much different story.

Trump meant: Then in 1913, for reasons unknown to mankind and I mean all of mankind like every person on earth from Australia to Zambia, they, you know them, established the income tax so that citizens rather than foreign countries would start paying the money necessary to run our government, a government I want to run into the ground. So, I’ll be bringing back the Model T. It was built in 1913 you know. Then in 1929, it all came to a very abrupt end with the Great Depression after that Great Gatsby guy’s killing led to the market tanking a few years later. And it would have never happened if they had deported Fitzgerald and banned most books and levied tariffs on the whole universe. It would have been a much different story.

Trump said: From this day on, we’re not going to let anyone tell us that American workers and families cannot have the future that they deserve. We’re going to produce the cars, ships, airplanes, minerals, and medicines that we need right here in America. The pharmaceutical companies are going to come roaring back. They’re coming roaring back. They’re all coming back to our country because if they don’t, they got a big tax to pay. And if they do, I’ll be very happy, and you’re going to be very happy, and you’re going to be very safe. We’re going to build our future with American hands, with American heart, American steel, and we’re going to build it with American pride like we used to.

Trump meant: From this day on, we’re not going to let anyone tell us that American workers and families cannot have the future that they deserve if I get richer. If not, I’ll let anyone say anything.  We’re going to produce the cars, ships, airplanes, minerals, and medicines that we need right here in America and which the American people won’t be able to afford anymore. Producing the minerals might be a problem but I have the best minds working on a new Alchemy, one that is super bigly like never before seen.  The pharmaceutical companies are going to come roaring back just like the roaring twenties. They’re coming roaring back. I like the term roaring. No one uses it much today. I brought it back. I bring everything back to the late 1800s.  We’ll have a few groans first and some hospital visits and some bad outcomes. But trust RFK, Jr. He’s got the meats. They’re all coming back to our country because if they don’t, they got a big tax to pay to me. And if they do, I’ll be very happy, and you’re going to be very broke and you’re going to be very sad. We’re going to build our future with American hands and stiff them like I do my workers, with American heart attacks, American rusted steel, and we’re going to build it with American pride a trait I know little about but will trademark and make millions from.