One Old White Guy Talks

Rubio, Bessent, Miller, and RFK, Jr. are discussing Liberation Day.

Steven “Thriller” Miller: The Great One is going to announce an awe-inspiring set of actions tomorrow to stun the whole world, and we need to make sure his worship quotient is at an all time high. Scottie beam us up on the details!

Scott “Distress” Bessent: Stevie, I don’t want to hedge my bets, get it, but the most wonderous man on the planet hasn’t revealed his plans, not even to himself. He’ll be spending these last few hours binge watching Bonanza, Combat, and All in the Family while ingesting as many empty calories as possible to awaken his unmatched brain power. Once he gets those waves dancing and neurons firing like a dismantling of government departments, his thoughts will coalesce like Jell-O and the liberation will begin. 

“Little” Marco “Meanie” Rubio: I’m ready to back the man up like a CyberTruck into USAID. No country is safe from the outstretched hands of the King. It won’t just be Greenland anymore. Monaco. Boom, 53^rdstate. That country has great views and is a gambling mecca. Lichtenstein. Dental implants! Bang, 54^thstate.  Andorra. Hip and knee replacements! Pow, 55^th state. And tariffs. Always and everywhere. We’ll hit Australia like they’ve never been hit before. We’ll sell Hawaii to the highest bidder. We’ll put Guam on E-Bay. We’ll liberate young white men. Underwear will be optional.  

Rabid Robert Kennedy, Jr.: I never wear underwear it causes autism. The mainstream media won’t cover it, and I won’t cover my balls. I did my own study and boxer shorts cause measles outbreaks. Bikini underwear leads to cancer. My brain worm confirmed it. He doesn’t wear underwear either. 

Steven “Thriller” Miller: I’ll be putting my head on as many talk shows as possible. Whatever happens is the best thing that has ever happened. I told Elon to X it up big time. No country can mess with the US. The Master of all masters will roll out some ultimatums, I’m sure.

Scott “Distress” Bessent: Absolutely. Don’t try to pass off sauerkraut in this country. It’s now called American ruffage. We’ll have the healthiest colons in all the world. Right, Bobby?

Rabid Robert Kennedy, Jr.: Colonoscopies for the masses. Enemas for everyone. Did I tell you, Scotty, living kills Americans by the hundreds of thousands every year? Look it up. If we gave up living, we’d have no need for vaccines, cough medicine with codeine, or black coffee which I’ll be banning shortly because it’s a DEI plot. 

Bessent’s phone rings.

Scott “Distress” Bessent: (Whispering.) Yes. No. I told you not to call me at this number. Of course I want my stock ticker to rise. I know you’ve diversified my investments. I have to get back to you. Where? Not there. The last time you emptied out my portfolio and the desk clerk called the police. I know they don’t call you Mona for nothing. Try somewhere in Virginia.

Steven “Thriller” Miller: Ok. Here we go! Give me a U.

Everyone: U.

Steven “Thriller” Miller: Give me a L.

Everyone: L.

Steven “Thriller” Miller: Give me a T, I, M, A, T, U, M.

Everyone: T, I, M, A, T, U, M.

Steven “Thriller” Miller: What’s that spell?

Everyone: Who the fuck knows!