One Old White Guy Talks

By the authority invested in me by Elon Musk and by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America which I break like par, and I break par every time I play golf, and to enable some parents, very few teachers, and Christian communities to best ensure student success like the kind I had at Wharton where I paid very smart people to write my papers and take my tests, it is hereby ordained:

Our Nation’s bright future, a future overshadowed by my brilliant ego, relies on organized FOX-watching families engaged in conspiracies to deny excellent educational opportunities for every child except my children. Unfortunately and because I can make a fortune this way, the experiment, and I use that term loosely because science isn’t my thing, of controlling American education through Federal pogroms and dollars, not mine … has plainly failed our children, our teachers who we pay like pizza-delivery workers, and your families none of whom I really care about.

Taxpayers, of which I’m not one, spend $60 billion annually on Federal school funding.  This money is largely distributed by the Department of Education, or as I like to say an organization of wimpy women who won’t punish second graders by smashing God-given rulers across their delinquent knuckles. The Congress created the Department of Education in 1979 at the urging of President Jimmy “Lil’ Peanut” Carter, who I’m going to denigrate now by calling him out for receiving a first-ever Presidential endorsement from the country’s largest teachers’ union, which is made up of shrill-voiced matrons like my mother. Jimmy’s Department of Education has entrenched, a word I’m misusing here and everywhere, the education bureaucracy and convinced America that Trump University was not beneficial to its students.  While the Department of Education does not educate anyone, Eric being a prime example, it maintains a public relations office that includes over 80 staffers, many of whom might be terrorists, illegals, rapists, transgender athletes, or nuns who have left the convent, at a cost of more than $10 million per year, or several rounds of golf at Mar-a-Lago.

Closing the Department of Education would provide children and their families the opportunity to escape a system that is failing them and will allow me to enrich my friends and investors.  Today, American reading and math scores are near historical lows, and I will bottom them out.  This year’s National Assessment of Educational Progress showed that 70 percent of 8th graders, a class of young women I find as attractive as my daughter, were below proficient in nude modeling, and 72 percent were below proficient in childbearing. The Federal education bureaucracy is not working, and neither am I.  

Closure of the Department of Education would allow me to create programs that have the backing of people who have invested in my cryptocurrency.  The Department of Education currently manages a student loan debt portfolio of more than $1.6 trillion kept in rolls of pennies.  This means the Federal student aid program is roughly the size of one of the Nation’s largest banks, Wells Fargo, and Mr. Wells and I have a wonderful relationship.  But although Wells Fargo has more than 200,000 employees and under my policies might see a decline in their workforce, the Department of Education has fewer than 1,500 in its Office of Federal Student Aid which I should be heralding as being truly efficient, but I’ve already taken bids for loan privatization with my usual 20% cut.  The Department of Education is not a bank or a casino or an off-track betting parlor, and it must return bank functions to an entity called Trump and Sons First and Only Bank of America with its motto “100 Dollars a Day keeps ICE away.”

MAGA always. Don “The Con.”