One Old White Guy Talks

Hegseth, Noem, and Miller are discussing issues in the Mar-a-Lago Bunker

Steven “Thriller” Miller: Now, I know we’re overcome with all the winning King Don I is doing. What a man. He is club champion again. Jesus Christ couldn’t beat him over eighteen holes. Trump is beyond biblical. He is beyond this world. He is beyond people’s pains. 

Kristi “Honeycomb” Noem : So right, Steve. Trump is invincible, and I’m securing the border like a hen ruling the roost. We aren’t letting anyone in unless they have the right credentials and pocketful of crypto. America is not the country of the free anymore. You’ve got to fork up the green fees if you want entry. 

“Potable” Pete Hegseth: Kristi you are so strong, and you look so sexy in your bulletproof vest. And I know proof–100 proof, 90 proof, 80 proof. You want more proof; I’ve gotten rid of the non-white nonsense about our military. Black airmen. Not on my watch. WAVES. Not on my watch. We’re back baby. Back to painting centerfolds on our bombers. Speaking of nubile bodies, Kristi, let’s go to the Pentagon?  I’ll show you my macho drawings. I’m so good with my hands. 

Kristi “Honeycomb” Noem : Petey boy, I don’t have time for slick back men. I go for real men. My border patrol guys love to frisk and search me. They’re men like Nancy Mace. I can’t think pentagon, Pete, when I have triangles on my mind. Three ways were always my favorites. 

Steven “Thriller” Miller: We’ll have none of that racy talk. Racist is better. Our country is built on Christian morality. We thump the Bible and dump the poor and indigent and send them back to where they came from. Back to Peoria and Parma, and Gary and Gainesville, and Erie and Elkhart. We’ll build reeducation camps anywhere. Elon has plans for the moon. Our enemies will be transported to that cratered orb by next year.

“Potable” Pete Hegseth: My space force is all in with Elon. He gave me three cybertrucks and a case of Glenfiddich single malt and I deployed a brigade his way. Use it or lose I told him. He told me my IQ was below my body temperature. He’s full of compliments. Kristi, come over here and snuggle with me. We’ll watch reruns of Trump’s stump speeches. 

Kristi “Honeycomb” Noem : You’re not my type. Give me a WWF champion, all sweaty, all pumped, and I’ll take him on a tour of my southern border. 

Announcement over speaker: Hear ye. Hear ye. The almost honorable Lindsey Graham is arriving. All deference required. 

Steven “Thriller” Miller: I wonder what the piece of Jell-o wants. He’s always complaining about something like the old hag he is. No matter, whatever he says, I’ll just show him the pictures The Don gave me of Lavender Lindsey going at it with his cabana boyfriends. Bang. He’ll relent.

“Potable” Pete Hegseth: Show the pictures to me, pretty please. I love the male body! I get to meet so many men in uniform, but I’d rather see them without their stripes! You get my drift.