One Old White Guy Talks

After talking to reporters about the upcoming congressional budget fight, Trump suddenly pivoted to Los Angeles, and from there to water.

Trump said: “I broke into Los Angeles, can you believe it, I had to break in. I invaded Los Angeles and we opened up the water, and the water is now flowing down.”

Trump meant: I was watching “Escape from L.A.” with macho Kurt Russell and my Viagra kicked in. I was looking to get down just like water does from on high. 

Trump said: “They have so much water they don’t know what to do. They were sending it out to the Pacific for environmental reasons. Ok, can you believe it? And in the meantime, they lost 25,000 houses. They lost, and nobody’s ever seen anything like it.”

Trump meant: I’m not stepping foot into California because I was cheated out of their electoral votes. Everyone knows it and no one has seen anything like it. I might sell the state to North Korea. I want more love letters not the letters EPA.

Trump said:  But, uh, we have the water—uh, love to show you a picture, you’ve seen the picture—the water’s flowing through the half-pipes, you know, we have the big half-pipes that go down. Used to, twenty-five years ago they used to have plenty of water but they turned it off for, again, for environmental reasons. Well, I turned it on for environmental reasons and also fire reasons but, ah, and I’ve been asking them to do that during my first term, I said do it, I didn’t think anything like could happen like this, but they didn’t have enough water. 

Trump meant: I get excited when I talk pipes – half-pipes, especially big half pipes, and you know I was the best snowboarder ever. People told me to go pro, but I told them I’m going to save America first. I have to golf second. Then, if I have time, I’m heading for the 2026 Winter Olympics. I signed an executive order placing myself in charge of our Olympic Committee. 

Trump said: Now the farmers are going to have water for their land and the water’s in there, but I actually had to break in. We broke in to do it because, ah, we had people who were afraid to give water. 

Trump meant: I like breaking things bigly. The farmers love me. We’re setting up water mobiles. The body is 50% water. Americans can donate 20% of their body water and we’ll have the largest body of water in the world. We’ll turn Arkansas into a gigantic lake and sell condos all around it. 

Trump said: “In particular they were trying to protect a certain little fish. And I said, how do you protect a fish if you don’t have water? They didn’t have any water so they’re protecting a fish. And that didn’t work out too well by the way.”

Trump meant: My mother said I couldn’t have an aquarium. Can you believe that? I didn’t know fish needed water. So, I’d let them flop all over the ground. Only the fittest survive. They all died. The best fish are ones that come in cans. We can catch all those little fish and sell them as rare and endangered food. I’ll check with Kennedy, Jr. He’ll have ideas.