One Old White Guy Talks

The Don is lounging in his throne in the Mar-a-Lago bunker. He just played golf and shot a new course record without swinging a club

The Don: Vlad, Comrade Vlad! So glad we could talk. I should call you Tsar “The Mad” Vlad, and you can call me King Don. Don’t call me Don King. That guy was a disgrace to his race and the worst boxing promoter of all time. We need to work on this Ukraine thing. I tried to get the comedian to give me half his minerals for a real, lasting peace. He said no. No one says no to the King.

Vlad: Wait, one minute. I want Crimea and half the minerals too. We need to work this out.

The Don: Crimea is a given. How about one-third of the minerals and a third of eastern Ukraine? 

Vlad: I might consider the offer if we can get to 50% of Ukraine. 

The Don: Hold on Vlad. I have to take this other call.

Pam Bondy (on the other line): Oh most righteous and powerful Don, I hate to interrupt splitting up countries like pizza, but we might have a little problem with Eric Adams. He says he wants free rooms and meals at Mar-a-Lago for life and then he’ll round up as many illegals, blacks, and brown people as you want. He’ll have them escorted to New York harbor and loaded on a freighter and have them sent out to sea. He doesn’t care where they end up.

The Don: Tell that little insignificant mayor, I’ve been talking to Mad Vlad and he has given me pointers on how to disappear folks who make trouble for the King. There are many skyscrapers in the city that someone could accidentally fall off. 

Pam Bondy: I’ll let him know your royal one. When it comes to morality or life, most people choose life. Adams ain’t most people, but he ain’t crazy either.

The Don: Vlad, where were we? Oh yes, half of Ukraine. Let me get Little Marco to work on it. That guy is such a powderpuff. I like to sneak up behind him and shout “Castro.” He poops his pants. Anyway, I think I could get you a nice piece of property in Saudi Arabia as a kicker to close the deal. 

Vlad: Poland would be better. I don’t tan well and hate sand. Breaking up NATO has always been my fantasy and remember I have those DVDs of your Golden Shower turn-ons if you turn on me. 

The Don: You keep bringing those up. I might be able to do some of Poland, half of Ukraine and 40% of the comedian’s minerals and both of his balls, but you have to give me all the copies of the hotel videos. Think about it. I’ll be in touch shortly after I sign some more executive orders. You have the luxury of eliminating things or people without any proclamations. I still have the courts, but they won’t last long. 

Vlad: Poland, Don. Don’t forget Poland and don’t simply piss in the wind!