One Old White Guy Talks

Bird Flue Update

There are reports of some H5 bird flu cases in America’s poultry and U.S. dairy cows. First, you can’t put all your eggs in one basket. Chickens come home to roost and birds of a feather stick together and tend to lie about problems.  The general US population shouldn’t be walking on eggshells about this. As for beef paranoia, don’t have a cow about it. Ask not what your beef can do for you, ask what you can do for your beef. Don’t follow the herd but instead buy a supply of hydroxychloroquine at the HHS online pharmacy (www.frkdoa.gov), the place where every citizen is a test case.

Name Changes

To provide a level of care and confusion that outstrips most sub-Saharan African countries, I’ve instructed the HHS staff to rename agencies to reflect my new agenda of Making America Helpless Again. 

CDC – Center for Disinformation Circulation (Slogan: Don’t ask us.)

FDA – Fabricated and Debunked Authority (Slogan: Don’t worry. We don’t.)

NIH – No Integrity or Honesty (Slogan: We believe in magic.)

For those who need more reliable information on scientific trials, experiments and findings, become a member of the PAYRFK portal. For a monthly fee of $59.99, all unaltered information can be yours. Find out if your child’s symptoms warrant immediate hospitalization. Is that rash on your arm worth a doctor’s visit? Which vaccines should your family get? TrumpCoin is the only payment method accepted. Sign up now before you face life-threatening situations.  

Healthy Eating Tips

You are what you eat. In my case, I’m a gravel-voiced, wrinkled 70-year-old, with bouts of memory loss and Jack-in-the-Box thinking.  My first eating tip is stop eating. Not only will you save money, but you’ll begin to experience nirvana, or what some folks call light headedness. Don’t stop drinking because dehydration will set in. Avoid activity to avoid fainting. For your benefit, I’ve designed a portable hibernation tent. The device can be taken anywhere and set up in minutes. Get your tent at RFKLSD.gov. You too can start the path to better health and anemia, scurvy, rickets, and my favorite, pellagra, for four payments of $299. To make it easy as you start to feel fatigue and loss of brain function, set up automatic withdrawal. Eat less and less and less and nothing at all.