One Old White Guy Talks

Elon Musk is in the backyard of the White House with his DOGE dogs.

Elon: Hey, Medium Balls, isn’t that Russell Vought taking a dump over there? 

Medium Balls: Yea, yea. He’s one of those old white men who think they can outthink us AI nerds. He went to Wheaton College. You can’t trust people from Illinois in the first place. I mean, let’s talk Stanford, Berkeley, and maybe Cornell, but Wheaton?

Little Balls: That guy is way up with God. We all know AI beats the Lord silly when it comes to cost cutting. Did you know his daddy’s name was Thurlow? Thurlow! Which happens to be old Russell’s middle name.

Elon: Hold on boys, he’s coming over here.

Vought: Elon, I come to you in peace and praise. The Lord shall be with us as we take the journey of fiscal conservatism. Remember the Lord has said “do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy…. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven.” 

Elon: The Lord also said my government contracts should be funded in perpetuity. That’s in the New Testament, or as I call it Trump’s testament to me.

Vought: Oh sir, I haven’t come across that passage. I am a man of the Old Testament. I believe in an eye for an eye, working only six days a week, and on the seventh day I worship the Lord and stone women and homosexuals. 

Big Balls: Mr. Vought, do you and Mikey go to church together? 

Vought: Why yes. Brother Johnson and I sit in the first pew. We are bound as one in the praise of the Lord. Our wives sit in the pew behind us so Brother Johnson and I can ruminate on the teachings of the gospel. We are divinely inspired to root out inequities in society and illegals everywhere. 

Mini Balls: Well, you have convictions. Convicts have convictions too. Can you convince us you’ll keep Elon’s priorities on the top of your budget disbursements? 

Vought: Oh Mini, the bible does say “My house will be called a house of prayer, but you are making it a den of robbers.” We must expunge waste in these terms. If the Lord finds fault in anyone’s contract, other than Trump’s contracts which come directly from the All-knowing and me, the good book directs us to cast the robber out of the temple. 

Elon (whispering to Big Balls): We have his DNA sample, right?

Big Balls: Of course we do. Our replicator could create another Vought with a brain that follow our wishes. Just say the word and this Vought will vanish and the new Vought will rise in three days. Now that’s biblical.

Elon: Rusty, you wouldn’t have a little extra cash lying around. My dogs need their flea shots. 

Vought: Perhaps, Elon, perhaps. But please remember, the bible warns “Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income.” 

Elon (whispering to Big Balls): Turn on the replicator. This Vought must go!