One Old White Guy Talks

Establishing and Implementing the President’s “Department of Gridiron Measured Accountability (DOGMA)”

By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America and my personal whims, it is hereby ordered:

Sec. 1. Purpose. 

This Executive Order establishes the Department of Gridiron Measured Accountability (DOGMA) to implement the President’s Football Agenda, by updating professional football policies to maximize my wishes.

Sec. 2. Definitions. As used in this order:

(a) “Agency” has the meaning given to it in my mind and my mind only.

(b) “Agency Head” means the highest-ranking official of an agency, and in this case means Brett Farve. “Agency Subheads” means the other high-ranking officials of an agency, and in this case means Jerry Jones, Woody Johnson, Harrison Butker, and Nick Bosa.

Sec. 3. DOGMA Structure. 

(a) Reorganization of the United States Professional Football Service. The United States Professional Football Service is hereby publicly renamed as the United States DOGMA Service (USDS) and shall be established on the Mar-a-Lago golf course.

(b) Establishment of a DOGMA Liaison. There shall be a USDS Administrator established in the Executive Office of the President, in this case Donald Trump, Jr., who shall report to the White House Chief of Staff. 

(c) DOGMA Teams. In consultation with USDS, each Agency Head shall establish within their respective Agencies a DOGMA Team of at least four employees or holograms from Madden 2025, which may include Special Government Employees or other members of the President’s family, hired or assigned within thirty days of the date of this Order. 

Sec. 4. Updating NFL policies to maximize my wishes.

(a) The USDS Administrator shall commence a Gridiron Modernization Initiative to maximize the President’s wishes on quality and efficiency of country-wide professional football infrastructure, polices, and practices. 

(b) Agency Heads shall take all necessary steps and unnecessary ones, if needed, in coordination with the USDS Administrator and to the maximum extent consistent with law, to ensure USDS has full and prompt access to all gridiron documents, rosters, and rules. 

(c) This Executive Order displaces all prior executive orders and regulations. 

Sec. 5. General Provisions. This order requires:

1. Consultation with the President each Monday during the NFL season to ascertain his thoughts on the week’s prior games including but not limited to (i) Officials’ decisions, including replay decisions, that the President has the power to overturn; (ii) Players’ performance analyses and salary awards; (iii) DEI implications concerning teams’ wins and losses; and (iv) Coaches who should be immediately fired.

Sec. 6. Specific Provisions. This order requires but is not limited to the following changes.

1. The return to the traditional kickoff as practiced prior to the 2024-2025 season. 
2. The renaming of teams to represent real America including but not limited to renaming
   • Washington Commanders to Washington Redskins
   • Cleveland Browns to Cleveland Whites
   • Tampa Bay Buccaneers to Tampa Bay Trumps
   • Miami Dolphins to Miami Supremacists
   • Cincinnati Bengals to Cincinnati Carpetbaggers
   • Atlanta Falcons to Atlanta Featherwoods
   • Baltimore Ravens to Baltimore Blitzkriegs
   • New Orleans Saints to New Orleans Nativists
3. Removing all rules that mitigate injuries.

THE WHITE HOUSE, February 9, 2025. Filed 2-9-25; 1:15 am